“I want to speak to a manager,” the middle-aged woman said in her stern I-used-to-be-a-soccer-mom-ten-years-ago voice, looking down at me over the top of her Gucci reading glasses.
A wicked grin split across my face and the gates of Hell opened up behind me, releasing a gust of blistering wind that whipped my apron around my body and forced the woman to shield her face. Demons came forth, dancing around in flames with songs of, “She wants to speak to a manager. Did you hear that? She wants to speak to a manager!” before erupting into earsplitting shrieks of laughter, none louder than my own cackling.
I took in the woman’s look of utter horror before my eyes rolled back into my skull and I growled,
“I am the manager.”
As this has hit 10k, I will now chronicle a few of my favorite responses.
me: *wants to socialize, make friends, and stop isolating myself in general*
my brain: BITCH… NO ONE 👏 FUCKING 👏 LIKES YOU 👏 NO ONE WILL EVER LIKE YOU 👏 YOU DON’T DESERVE FRIENDSHIPS 👏 YOU HAVE NOTHING OF ANY WORTH TO CONTRIBUTE TO CONVERSATIONS 👏 YOU’RE A DISGUSTING 👏 HIDEOUS 👏 PIECE OF SHIT 👏 KEEP TO YOURSELF YOU PARASITIC GREMLIN 👋
